Newbury Comedy Festival, Tell us a joke Options

[Mark NWN]

Hello everybody, tickets to the upcoming comedy festival to give away, and all you have to do is make the newsroom laugh....

THE Newbury Comedy Festival is now just a week away, and Newburytoday.co.uk is running a competition to find the funniest joke, with four pairs of tickets to shows up for grabs.

Kicking off this year’s festival at the Corn Exchange on Thursday, July 8, Rob Rouse will be taking his trademark storytelling to a career high as he leads audiences on a journey, not just through his life as a new father but more importantly as the beleaguered owner of an extremely randy dog.

With a strong line-up confirmed for the seventh annual comedy festival, tell us your joke to get in on the act and win free tickets.

Send your efforts mark.taylor@newburynews.co.uk, the most rib-tickling will appear on Newburytoday.co.uk and some may appear in the Newbury Weekly News.

And here’s our effort - how many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb? We don’t change anything, we just report the facts!

Article


Send your jokes to mark.taylor@newburynews.co.uk, I'd ask you to post them on here but I will need names etc so I know who to send the tickets to, but that is no reason not to post them on this thread anyway if you have a couple of good ones.

Best jokes will go up on Newburytoday.co.uk.

A good one I received this morning:

Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

[Andy]

Well in training today it's estimated that Green faced 4000 shots and he didn't let one in.

Tomorrow both him and Heskey will be training with their team mates

[Strafin]

How do you get Pikachu on a boat?
Poke 'im on!

[Mark NWN]

I have received some good ones and some frankly shocking efforts

Keep them coming, ticket winning comedians to be announced over the next few days...

[Strafin]

What happens when you get a megabite?

It giga-hurts!

[Strafin]

"Doctor, I've broken my arm in three places"
"Then stop going to those places"

I think this is Tommy Coopers.

[Strafin]

Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide!

[Biker1]

My mates wife has left him....
Apparently she went out for milk and never came back!!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,
"Not bad actually, I've been using that powdered stuff!"

[Guest_noobree_*]

The other night my wife told me to shut up and stop being so stupid.

I was so surprised I nearly choked on my vuvuzela.

[Guest_noobree_*]

Here's one for former Navy carrier personnel.

How many Harrier pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. He stands still holding the lightbulb and the whole ship revolves around him.

Booom! (Perhaps literally, in this case.)

[JMH]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

According to FIFA it didn't!

Boom Boom

[Rosewinelover]

A blonde walks into a rug shop...she finds the perfect rug and bends over to feel the texture. She lets out a huge fart and she turns round quickly to see if anyone noticed. The salesman popped up his head and asked if she needs any help! She nervously asks "How much is this rug?" and the salesman says "Lady if you farted just touching it...your gonna crap yourself when you hear the price".

[Biker1]

How near the knuckle are we allowed to get here?

Guidelines Admin??

[admin]

How near the knuckle are we allowed to get here?

Guidelines Admin??

I think we are just about there......
Admin

[TallDarkAndHands...]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Green Meanies funeral, a voice screamed from inside,

"I'm not dead! I'm not dead!"

To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!"

[englishndproud]

there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh,...

run, amigo, run!!

...Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

...

...

...

...

"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

[Biker1]

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.

[Andy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Guest_Bill1_*]

Dear Raoul Moat

John Terry has been seeing your girlfriend.

Best regards,

Wayne Bridge.

[Roost]

I think that was a little too close to the mark Bill1! I normally really like your jokes, particularly the one you keep repeating, you know about Chelsea being the best football team.....

Here's one for you:-
It's the middle of winter. Communist Russia at the height of their power. A couple walk across Red Square.

Suddenly it starts precipitating.

The husband says to the wife "Look dear, it's raining", the wife replies "Don't be silly that is snow!"

Despite his wife's protestations, the husband is adamant that it is rain, he says "But look, it is not white!" The wife is equally adamant, saying "Perhaps, but it does have a solidity not normally associated with rain".

They continue in this vein for some minutes before the husband spots a friend walking across the Square. He presents an idea to his wife "Look dear it's Comrade Rudolph, he'll be able to help us and tell us whether this is snow or rain". The wife agrees "Da!" (Well they are in Russia!)

So they approach Comrade Rudolf and after a brief explanation of their concerns, he agrees to help them by determining the nature of the precipitation.

He catches some in his hand and examines it at length, he then licks the remnants and tastes its constituent parts. He then wets his finger and holds it in the air. He removes his large, furry hat and listens to the wind before finally, finally reaching the conclusion
"Comrades, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is indeed Rain".
The couple allow Comrade Rudolf on his way.

The wife is not easily assauged. "I still believe that this is not rain but snow".

The husband has, by now had enough "I've told you that it's not snow, it's rain. Comrade Rudolf has told you that it's not snow and as every one knows (wait for it)......................




.................................Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"